carolinainmymind

can't you see the sunshine….

How Long……

on January 9, 2017

On our second full day back in the US, I reach for a carton of eggs in the grocery store and quietly say after seeing the price, “I miss my chickens”  and tears just start pouring down my face.  This is not the first time that crying has happened and I begin to wonder how long it will go on for.

Apparently, for a while.  Later the same day I am in the wine store, reaching for the same shaped bottle of Italian rose that I always bought, but now instead of costing 3 Euros a bottle (less than $3.50) it is more than $15 a bottle.  Tears just come out….

I truly don’t remember this sort of sadness/grief when we moved to Italy.  Then, I cried when I said goodbye to many folks, but everyday in Italy as we moved about and tried to get organized.  No.  But almost every day in December leading up to the move, I have cried.  I feel like I will never see Europe again.   I remember back to a time many years ago, in a women’s locker room at a public pool in Fairfax County, Virginia I overheard a conversation.  I could not see the women but I think I remember that they were neighbors or knew each other from church.  One was older than the other.  Basically, the conversation was

I haven’t seen you in a while

Yes, we were in (some European country).  Probably our last trip

No, really,why?

Well, it is just too hard for (fill in the blank husband name) to travel any more

Oh, I am sorry to hear that.  He really can’t travel?

Yes, fill in the blank medical reasons

 

And I just sat there on the other side of those lockers and cried for the woman who would no longer be traveling.

 

Now I find my self in that position.  It doesn’t help for the political climate to be the way it is now and for many folks to just ask “Why would you want to move back now?”  Well, it did not turn out the way we thought it would, 12 months ago when we  started planning this.  And more than ever I know as difficult as this move has been emotionally, what would it have been like if I had not had all my wits and physical capabilities?

 

So I am trying to be positive.  I am trying to move past my very deep grief over leaving Italy and Europe.  I am trying to reconcile being old.  But, Man Alive, It’s Hard!

 

And, I’ll just say this.  What I feel and what I have been through is NOTHING compared to what the refugees from Syria have faced.  Really, in the grand scheme of things, I have absolutely nothing to whine about.

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8 responses to “How Long……

  1. Betty says:

    Martha, it is okay to be sad and to cry. My heart breaks for you…

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  2. Jules says:

    Oh Martha, I’m so sorry you’re going through this homesickness for the place you loved, just remember that as long as all of your friends have homes in Italy, and there are many of them, us included, you’ll have a place to stay, and you can return, even if for short visits. Love & hugs xxx

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  3. Lisa says:

    I’m always impressed with your determination to just get on with things, and reading about your move back to the USA, I’ve been doubly impressed. I’m sorry you’re missing Italy, and hope that your re-integration goes as painlessly as possible. You’ve got the memories of your time in Italy in your heart, and they will always be there. Best of luck on your new adventures!

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  4. Bless your heart Martha! You will get into routines and habits soon and they will become so familiar to you that you will start to settle in. I suggest you stay close to those friends you have over there so you can keep involved in what is going on. Also, possibly do as I do, read blogs from those that are over there and keep in touch that way. It does help some as you feel a part of it all. (One of the reasons I started to follow your blog! I can’t be over there all the time so I live vicariously). Be strong, know that you will pave your way in your new environment and start finding things that bring you happiness and comfort!

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  5. elena says:

    Martha,
    We have been back for a few years and the longing to be back in Italia has never left us. Yes, it gets easier but it never seems to go away. Try and stay positive, it will get better.

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